“It Feels Disrespectful,” A Woman Asked Her Biological Son to Stop Calling Her “Mom”

when I (40F) was a teenager I had a baby and gave him up for adoption. I did this through an agency and one of the stipulations of the contract required the adoptive parents to provide my contact information to him after he was an adult so that if he ever wanted to contact me, he could.

Sure enough, 18 years later I get a letter in the mail and he wants to meet. I said yes and his Mom flew with him to meet me in my state. We had a great visit and it was amazing getting to know the great young man he grew up to be. We have kept in contact over the last couple of years, I let him meet my kids and let him form a brotherly bond with them.

Then he started calling me Mom… it feels weird to me for him to call me that and it feels disrespectful to his Mom who I think is amazing to be so forthcoming and supportive of him having a relationship with me and my family. I really didn’t want to hurt him, but I explained my feelings to him about a week ago and I haven’t heard from him since. While it is common for us to go for long periods without talking, I have a feeling that this particular bout of silence is due to him being upset and I am feeling guilty about it.

It is worth mentioning that we met after he turned 18. He is going to be 23 next month. I gave him up at birth. He has never known me to be his mother and his adoptive Mom is his only Mom. Giving him up was the single hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life. So to the people who say I rejected him, you have no idea what you’re talking about.

The story sparked mixed reactions but mostly positive.

• Reach out to your Son and ask if he is ok. Maybe clarify in writing that although you are his mother you don’t feel that you deserve the title of Mother or Mom. That you value your relationship. AlarmedBechamel / Reddit
• I feel you, I really do. but imagine hearing that from the same mom who put you up for adoption. adoptive kids already have to work through the identity issues and wonder why you gave them up. but then to meet and think things are great but uh don’t call me mom. ugh heartbreaking. PuzzleheadedChip6356 / Reddit
• We talk about adoption a lot, but usually from the pov of the adoptee. The parents who give their children up for adoption also go through emotional trauma as well. It sounds like you are trying to develop a relationship with your son that is healthy. For you, this might mean he needs to find another way to refer to you. You are not in the wrong to want this. Snickerdoodle2021 / Reddit

I’m feeling sorry for the both of you. I think your son was feeling such a warm connection to you (after the sweet description you gave of your meetup and following connections) and “mom” came out of that because he felt so welcomed and close to all of you. I also can see how it made you uncomfortable in the moment and your fear it might hurt his adoptive mom.

Now that you’ve had time to sit with it a little do you feel any different? I ask because I called my MIL mom (and that’s what I call my mom) and my husband calls my mom “mom”. Neither mom felt slighted or less than bc we used the same names for them. So, I wonder whether if you just think of it as affection coming through you’d be more comfortable with it? Also, have you shared this with your son’s adoptive mom? I think you should tell her about your fears.

You should also reach out to your son and ask if he’s okay. He may be, but like you, I think this latest silence comes so swiftly on the heels of the “mom” thing that it’s very likely connected.

You’re a very caring person- that comes through clearly. It’s probably quite usual for there to be this sort of awkwardness as you settle into a relationship with him/them. I do get the hesitancy you’re feeling. I wonder if it’d be helpful to talk to a therapist who’s familiar with inter-family relationships and adoptions? It couldn’t hurt. Global_Look2821 / Reddit

The woman posted an update to the story.